I would sit and rock her to sleep late at night when I had a million other things that I needed to do. My house needed to be picked up, the dishes needed to be loaded in the dishwasher and bills needed to be paid.   I would often sit and think about all of the moms that would brag about their 6-month-olds just laying down in their beds and going to sleep each night.  I dreamed about what that must be like to actually have time to myself, get some things done or have a deep conversation with her daddy.  But instead,  I would sit in my rocking chair, holding my baby for an hour each night and praying that she would remain asleep when I put her in her crib.  Sleepily, I would say, “I guess I should enjoy this because “someday” she will go to college.”

Sitting on the floor by her bed, rubbing her back and singing Amazing Grace for the thousandth time, I would often wonder what it would be like to say goodnight, turn off her light and walk downstairs to grade papers, watch my favorite show or sit next to her daddy on the couch.  Three-year-olds are “no joke” and she took a lot of my time.  She demanded that we play in the backyard each night, watch Lilo and Stitch and make up funny songs  (many times late at night).  I was too busy with her to get many things done so I would say, “I guess I should enjoy this because “someday” she will go to college.”

At 6, she became a ninja in the middle of the night, sneaking down into our bed.  We would wake up almost every morning to an extra tiny body between us.  She slept peacefully while her daddy and I dodged her feet, arms, and head.  She talked in her sleep and would often wake us up laughing.  She was asleep but we were definitely NOT.  I would awake to small hands patting my face, lips kissing me good morning and a tiny voice saying,  “I love you, Mommy.”  Exhausted from the night, I would beg her to stay in her bed the next night so Mommy could get some sleep.  But then I would say, “I guess I should enjoy this because “someday” she will go to college.”    

Balls bouncing around my head, money flying out of my billfold, boys, drama, late nights waiting up for her to come home,  the teenage years did not disappoint.  She was easy but she kept us busy.   She and her sister made quite a pair.  Laughter, painting, passing volleyballs, playing in the pool, staying up late, eating a lot of ice cream while enjoying life.  They did everything together and everything very loud.  Life was always on volume 10.  When I told them to quiet down, stop playing in the bed and go to sleep for the 15th time, I would shake my head and say, “I guess I should enjoy this because “someday” she will go to college.”

Well…”Someday”…

it arrived today… a lot sooner than I thought it would. 

And I am so thankful now for all the late night snuggles, the verses of Amazing Grace, crowded beds, and sister laughter,

because

without all of them,

I might not be sitting here tonight crying big.fat.ugly tears.    

Go be AMAZING sweet girl…your mommy will figure this “new normal” out and try to enjoy it

and

be just fine!!